WESTERN MASS. AVENGERS #3
"The Police Controversy Pt 2"
First printing Sep/Oct 1991

We figured that we'd put our heroes into quite a sticky wicket in Issue 2, so we needed to explain just exactly what happened at the beginning of Issue 3. So who better to explain the situation than the artists themselves?

Yep, in a grand tradition of artistic hubris, Rob and Noah appear at the beginning of Issue 3 as guests on the Whack Flapjack Show. We explain that the Avengers are all in jail, and various plot devices have been introduced to explain why they can't just up and escape (and I'm quoting from the comic verbatim here:)

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Bratman, Molar Man, Kid Kanine, and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Republicans all rely on special gadgets and weapons, all of which were confiscated.

Captain Cosmos, who had too many weapons to take, has had his helmet linked to WNKOTB, New Kids Radio. If he attempts to use a weapon or turn into Bionic Cosmos, he will hear "Step By Step" 750 times. Naturally he will not risk it.

No Homework Man is dead, Zamfir Quark is too tired from his last trip, and Captain Ireland hasn't been able to recharge his potato powers. And those mutant rutabagas he ate didn't help, either.

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Finally, Feldspar is off in his own dimension searching for the element to save NHM, so his alter ego Jon Peabody's jailed instead. And Toast Rider, who at the end of Issue 2 decided not to join the Avengers, is explained off as well (he's following the Loud & Obnoxious world tour.)

So that's where we stand and we start the issue proper with a very very clever segue -- the Avengers in jail, watching the Whack Flapjack Show on TV. I'm pretty proud of that. I like it. Whack asks about the missing rutabagas as we survey our heroes' plight:

Reagan's asleep, Ford wants to change the channel ("A Turkey For The President" is on), Nixon is playing 5-card draw with Bratman and Captain Ireland, Molar Man and Kid Kanine are inspecting NHM's teeth, and Bush and Jon Peabody are playing horseshoes with the spike on Captain Cosmos' helmet. Yup, the harsh realities of prison life sure have 'em down.

FAST FACT I graduated high school in June 1993. And there all my trials started. Or something.

Speaking of bringin 'em down, Amherst police chief A. Restum appears on the television and suggests they enjoy their stay at Chez Restum, cause their trials won't start until June 1993. As he gloats, Captain Cosmos turns passive-aggressive and throws a horseshoe at the TV. He says his therapist suggested he vent his anger -- turns out the Magic 8-Ball is his therapist.

While the good Cap debates whether or not to put shaving cream in Reagan's hand and tickle his nose with a feather, we switch over to A. Restum signing some papers for Ronald Dump, the businessman who's currently planning on buying out the entire town of Amherst to turn it into his personal casino. Restum thinks he's gonna hang around as Chief of Security, but Dump doesn't think so. In fact, he's planning on bulldozing the police station to put in a Jai-Alai court. Restum's not happy with that, and spots the one crucial flaw in Dump's logic: Massachusetts doesn't allow gambling.

"GAMBLING IS ILLEGAL!! So there, Mr. Man!" A. Restum

Until right then and there, Governor Weld legalizes gambling in the Commonwealth for financial reasons. Dump seems pretty pleased with himself, but Restum's still recalcitrant. So to help force things along, Dump brings in "the finest soldiers of fortune this side of the Deerfield River..."

THE SQUIDMONGERS!

I'm not sure where I came up with Fritz, Barto, Amelia, Polly, and Martin, but I was rather taken with them. I have no idea where they came from or what they do, but they sure do exist to make life miserable for our heroes. Fritz is the leader, Barto doesn't speak but thinks in rebuses, Amelia wants everyone to be her friend, Polly likes burgers, and Martin's a freakin' pyro. I kinda like them.

"There will be no burning or friend-making, though I'll concede to go to some burger place afterward. Now MOVE!" Fritz

So they take A. Restum and throw him into the cell with the Avengers. It's not a pretty sight at first -- after some crucial taunting, the Avengers let him explain things. He whines a bit, promises to set the Avengers free if they save his precious police station, but unfortunately, his keys were confiscated. Is that it, then? Are all of the Avengers doomed to be 'dozed by Dump?

Not if Rutabaga Woman can help it!!

Who? What? Huh?

Luckily, Bratman thinks she looks familiar -- yep, she's Annie Sphincter, Brain Drain's housekeeper and maid! Annie asks for a flashback, and like the benevolent artists we are, we grant her one:

After Brian was arrested, Annie went to the police station to come get his belongings. She got Captain Ireland's as well, bringing home the sack of mutant rutabagas. See where we're going here? She cooks one up cajun-style, but when she takes a bite, BLAM! (It even says so right there on the page in big letters: BLAM!) When she awakes, she's surrounded by sheep. Additionally, she's got super powers.

"Let's go!" "Let's go? I prefer 'Avengers Accrue!'" "But doesn't accrue run an airplane?" The comedy stylings of Rutabaga Woman, Bratman, & Ford

She's got tremendous strength, the ability to fly, and the power to shoot her hair out like a whip (without any mousse!) She tests her whip out on a little sheep, and then decides to end the flashback. And unfortunately, everybody's asleep. So she whips them awake. Stop that, it's not like that, oh you kid.

Well, Rutabaga Woman galvanizes the troops by mentioning where their weapons are, and that Dump's holding a special town meeting at the Junior High, so everybody should get ready to go and have some big fun American fighting!

Ok, I made up that last bit right now. But that's what we're about to see, eh.

While they run out to the Town Meeting, the Squidmongers meet on the Amherst Common to discuss their plans. Fritz says they need some sort of weapon, "one that would strike fear into the hearts of the populace, preferably one well-suited to merchandising." Amelia's got just the right idea -- a robot! It's a huge robot. According to her calculations, the head will be over 18 feet high! Fritz mails the plans off to Rossum's Universal Robots and within seconds, the finished product arrives.

The finished product is ... is ... it's too small.

Yep. The ol' inch marks versus feet marks did Amelia in, and they're saddled with a teeny-tiny little robot. But it's sooooo cute! Fritz deals with the situation by yelling at her. Martin gets Fritz to apologize sincerely, and we go back to the Junior High, where a plate-glass window has been inexplicably broken. I seem to recall this being an incredibly funny injoke at the time, but damned if I can remember what it was about. Probably something involving Eric Keenen-Gray, no doubt.

As Ronald Dump explains his plans to the irate citizens of Amherst, our heroes come a-crashin' through the wall, giving us one of the best panels we ever drew. Especially in color, it's cool. Dump begs and pleads -- "Please! Please! ... Please don't look behind you!" And outside, the Squidmongers have gotten their act together and have shown up in a GINORMOUS GOLD ROBOT. It's smushed a car and even Captain Cosmos is impressed with it. Rutabaga Woman takes charge and gives a Rutabaga Flying Attack, which unfortunately is reversed by a GINORMOUS ROBOT FINGER. Zamfir Quark zaps the robot's power, but they've got backup power. And then Captain Cosmos tries to shoot a weapon...

"How should I go about destroyin' this thing?" "How about a weapon of great destructive power?" "How about this rock?" Alegon and Rutabaga Woman

Out pop the New Kids, who sing and dance all around the poor Captain's head. It's pretty ugly. You don't want to be him. Fortunately, Feldspar shows up in the transmission, and phases through the radio, eliminating the New Kids link. Feldspar's turning out to be our deus ex machina here, but he doesn't mind. He brings in reinforcements from Dimension 88 -- in the form of Alegon, drawn by our good friend Alex Robinson. Alegon and Feldspar discuss what weapons to use, and they figure out the robot's weak spot is located on its back. It's a big red button with an even bigger sign reading "CAUTION: DO NOT HIT" so they're pretty sure they know what to aim for. Using his rock of great destructive power, Alegon hucks it at the big red button, and sure enough, he hits it, just as the robot's about to play Little Bunny Foo-Foo, with a giant mallet as Little Bunny Foo-Foo and Bratman as the field mice.

"If the 'Do Not Touch' button is touched, you have fallen prey to the classic 'Convenient Weakness Ploy'. Use Escape Plan #20.3a12! " Amelia, reading from the robot's owners' manual

As the Avengers celebrate the robot's defeat, the Squidmongers blast off in the robot's giant head, leaving behind the giant gold body. Captain Cosmos is sad because he didn't get to shoot anything. Ronald Dump is sad because his giant robot was beaten. He angrily smacks the body's foot, and it drops its giant mallet on him. Defeated, he agrees to give back Amherst if they just remove the mallet. The Avengers do the Spiffy Victory Dance, and Noah and Rob are arrested for violating all rules of proportion (the Giant Robot changes sizes in almost every single panel, you see...)

Feldspar and Alegon depart for their own dimension, but not before Feldspar gives the team the special element to be used in reviving No Homework Man. But when they use it on the corpse, it changes NHM all right ... INTO A BAGEL!! AAAAAH!!

Even with one storyline wrapped up, we continue the arc that takes us into Issue #4. Will NHM ever be revived? And what's the Junior High going to do with a giant robot in its parking lot? And what did we ever find so funny about bagels? The answers next issue will be few and far between, but at least we'll try to be funny.

END!

NEXT ISSUE: No Homework Man returns, just in time to fight his sworn enemy!