WESTERN MASS. AVENGERS #1
"How They All Got Together"
First printing March 1991

Amherst. Town of 22,000. (People.) 3 colleges. About 40 zillion ice cream stores, more churches, and the same number of conflicting ideas. In short, it's great. My kind of town, Amherst is. But...

And so begins our first great comic saga, with a wide establishing panel of the town of Amherst. Actually, I think it's a city. But anyway. We learn that crime has increased 125% in the five years since a mysterious fire in the College Drug store. Well, ok, nobody makes the connection between the fire and the crime increase but our ever omniscent Narrator, but you understand.

Feldspar, our power-armor-wearing friend from Dimension 88, notices mysterious readings in the drug store (which actually did burn down in the 1980s -- a Subway shop is now in its old location.) So he travels to our dimension, and in doing so must switch places with Jon Peabody, student at the Junior High.

It's pretty much a hard fast rule in this comic universe that only one entity can inhabit a dimension. You have counterparts in other dimensions, and if you want to visit one, your counterpart must switch places with you. Sure, you can communicate with the other, but if you want to be there in person, you're gonna swap places. This explains Jon Peabody and Feldspar's switching, as well as Bionic and Captain Cosmos' wacky dichotomy. On an unrelated note, Jon Peabody is shown wearing a "WMA" logo t-shirt. How he got merchandise for a comic that was just starting then is anybody's guess.

After a brief conversation in Limbo (the passage between two dimensions) the two go their separate ways. We then switch to downtown Amherst, where Neill Fleming, local student, is currently skipping class and wondering why they don't lower the drinking age.

"I've got the right one Bay-Bee (R) UH HUH" The Lackey (with newly stolen soda)

His ponderous thoughts are interrupted by a woman whose soda has been stolen by a "nasty little child." Neill uses his amazing power to become Captain Ireland, and pursues the sneaky thief. Just as he's about to zap the fellow with his Potato Ray, the kid disappears with the soda, leaving behind only his clothes! What bizarre circumstances! Fortunately the good Cap stays behind to console the woman.

We get our first scene with the Evil Entity next, as he discusses getting his Lackey a brand-new set of clothes. He then eats the soda can and seems very happy with himself. Something sinister's going on, and it's not just that clown nose of his...

"Hey kid! Ever lambada with Lucifer while the full moon shines?" Toothless thief

We then go to the aforementioned Junior High, during an amazingly fun assmebly on dental health, courtesy of Molar Man and Kid Kanine. Thinking about all the youthful exuberance, Molar Man reminisces about his childhood, and how his parents were killed after a visit to the dentist by a toothless thief. It was this cruel act that pushed him to train himself to the "limits of perfection, physically, mentally and... periodontally" until he became Molar Man!

Then Kid Kanine joined up and now they're the world's greatest fighting duo. All is remembered fondly until the exposition is suddenly interrupted by a cry of "HE STO MY SODA!" (In later reprintings, 'LE' was added to STO in order to make it all correct.) MM and KK, as they're affectionately referred to by the writers, head on over to see a nasty little kid with some other kid's soda can. Molar Man lectures the thief on how stealing is wrong and how soda can rot your teeth, but the Lackey disappears with a sneer ("Oh relax it's diet!") and MM and KK decide to investigate the strange, clothes-leaving disappearance.

"Hey listen, Rabbit Head, I get this crap all the time!! Does it matter how I wear my hair? NO!" Annie S, not taking a compliment

The scene shifts once more to Stately Drain Manor, where our second Batman ripoff parody resides. Bratman is down in the Bratcave, grousing over the mess of it all. He's not terribly good at organization, and neither is his devoted butler Nigel, who's afraid of dirt. Enter a young lady, unnamed in this issue but whose name really is Annie, selling Rutabaga 2000 computers -- how she got to the Bratcave door is anybody's guess. Seems like Bratman's as devoted to security as he is cleanliness. At any rate, he offers the nice lady a job as his housekeeper, promising to pay "over minimum wage" and buy a computer as well. While the lady mulls this over, someone lurks above the cave! It's Captain Cosmos, and he's got a device that goes "bip bip bip"!

Cos is using the bipping device to trace the Bratmobile. He's quickly discovered, and brags about winning the bet. Turns out he and Bratman had a bet going over who could discover the secret identity of the other, and Cos is sure he's won -- Bratman is Brain Drain! (Actually, it's Brian; one typo in the paper and you're marked for life.) But Bratman comes through in the clutch, shouting out Cos' secret identity - Bionic Cosmos - before our spiky-helmeted bipping-device-having friend can finish the last syllable of "Drain". The Brat wins! How?

Simple. Cos made the bet with Bratman while he was Captain Cosmos, but then bragged to Bratman about nearly winning the bet later on, as Bionic Cosmos. Dumbass. And it took the Bratcomputer to figure it out. Double dumbass.

We're never exactly sure who wins what or even what was at stake, because this reverie is interrupted by the Evil Entity's Lackey once more, who's outside the door of the Bratcave with a tank. Where he got the tank is none of your concern. Why he seems to be stealing soda only around certain superheroes is also none of your concern. While Bratman grouses about people revealing the Secret Bratcave Entrance (shouldn't he also be grousing about having his secret identity revealed in front of a stranger selling computers?) Bionic Cosmos decides to take action and unleash a torrent of ammunition and weaponry at the lackey's tank.

"All those weapons and he's still a lousy shot." The Evil Entity's Lackey, under fire

Yep, ol' BC needs to work on his aim, because he's getting nowhere. Bratman rushes to get his super-secret not-fully-tested Bratray, but the Lackey disappears (with or without any soda cans? Who knows?) before Bratman can figure out which sound effect to make while firing the Bratray. Such are the perils of untested weaponry.

We're treated to a newspaper headline montage ("NAKED SODA THIEVES LEAVES HEROES PUZZLED!" "MOLAR MAN: WHAT?" "NOAH & ROB GO HOLLYWOOD") before finding ourselves in a distant sewer. Yep, 11 pages in and we've made it to the sewer. But, as the Narrator informs us, this is no ordinary sewer -- it is the home of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Republicans! Bush, Ford, Nixon and Reagan are all bored, but Ninja Master Fragment advises they watch the news. Their friend April O'Light breaks the story gently -- the TMNR are being sued!

Mirage Studios apparently believes the Republicans are infringing on Turtle copyrights, so our four ex presidents must appear in Northampton court the very next day. While mulling over this confounding premise one of Bush's "1,001 Points of Light" (the star-like things encircling his head) decides to quit. No New Taxes is moot, so the point of light wishes to call himself Zamfir Quark. He can teleport and shoot really neat zaps! So our buddy Zamfir teleports the four to Northampton, where the prosecutors are getting ready for Comicgate, the biggest case to ever hit Northampton since Amy Carter's! (She was involved in some form of litigation at Northampton a few years back; I forget whatfer, tho.)

Meanwhile, at the Junior High (once again), we find No Homework Man armed with a machine gun, shooting through the steel-plated door of the Detention room. While people with machine guns usually mean trouble in today's schools, back in the early 1990s they were considered pals -- quite possibly the best friend a student could have. Such is the case with No Homework Man. He merely seeks to free the kids from the clutches of the tyrannical teacher, Ms. Price! (Booooooo!)

WMA FastFact! Ms. Price was originally named after an actual teacher at the Junior High, but we decided to change the name after worrying she might flunk us retroactively or something. The real teacher's name was Clardy. Thus have I been publically avenged after 10 long years.

Ms. Price is lurking above the door, and drops down upon poor NHM's head with all the weight she has. She's rather bulky. While she confiscates all his weapons, he tries to think with his head wobbling back and forth like a deely-bobber. Amazingly enough he fixes his head, only to have his legs wobble back and forth like a deely-bobber -- but this is all he needs to subdue Price and, reclaiming his weapons, blasting her into ground chuck. "But don't worry, she was only a clone!" But before NHM can get to the next clone (conveniently in a can) -- yep, there's that damn Lackey again, and he grabs the can and splits as NHM flies straight through a wall. Oops.

Segue now to a PVTA bus, where Molar Man is searching for Kid Kanine, who's gone missing after going undercover. Luckily he doesn't have to look far, because Captains Ireland and Cosmos have subdued who they think is the can thief -- but it's Kid Kanine! And he got it from the Lackey over there! Captain Ireland goes to grab the can of beer and teleports along with the Lackey! Such action and it all took place on one page!

Meanwhile, this comic has broken the record for most "meanwhiles" in one issue.

"Objection! Very old joke!" "Sustained. The defendants are advised to be more original for the remainder of the trial." Prosecuting attorney and the Judge

Meanwhile, at the Northampton District Courthouse, we find the TMNR beginning their trial with a very old courtroom joke. I won't tell you which one, but it does involve "order in the court". Ok, now you know. The prosecution, reeling from such opening remarks, calls Peter Laird, co-creator of the Ninja Turtles to the stand. In a rare back-of-the-head cameo, Laird identifies Ninja Turtle weapons and accurately pegs one of Noah's earliest sketches as "just like Kevin (Eastman)'s Leonardo drawings!" Noah's is of Reagan with the katanas. Uh oh. It doesn't look good for our fellows. Reagan can't recall posing for that picture, and even Zamfir Quark looks nervous. However, Reagan redeems himself in cross-examination with a bit of Actual Comic Book History: When Noah was nine years old, he wrote in to Peter Porker: The Spectacular Spider Ham and suggested they do a "Secret Furs" feature. Marvel actually did one for issue #17 (which, Ford notes, was the last issue.) Nevertheless, Reagan asks Laird if he ever had anything printed by Marvel. When Laird says no, that's all we need. "Therefore Noah is obviously a better cartoonist than you." As the judge calls recess, Bush suggests they go investigate the center of this sickening liberal community -- Amherst!

So we go back to Amherst again, and I swear this is the last segue of the comic. Time for some climactic fightin', I tell you what. But the heroes are stuck; they don't know where to go. Until Feldspar steps in, of course. Remember Feldspar? We saw him on the first page of the comic.

"All I know is we've got to think of something fast or we'll run out of pages." No Homework Man

Feldspar's the man with the plan, y'see. He says he's on the trail of an evil entity who grows stronger by eating aluminum. He must be the soda can thief, concludes Molar Man! And he's right! Feldspar has the entity's location -- in that very same abandoned drugstore we heard about at the beginning of the comic! Borrowing the Molar Mobile, he crashes through the wall of the drugstore, arousing absolutely no suspicion whatsoever from anybody. Once inside, the heroes find Captain Ireland, but they don't even have time to untie him because the Evil Entity (who even calls himself that) shows up to fight! He teleports around way too much, though, and nobody can hit him. No Homework Man does clock the Lackey pretty good with a crate, though, and Bratman figures out what sound effect he wants to use with the Bratray so he's merrily "za-zap! za-zap!"-ing away.

Unfortunately, that's the exact time the Republicans show up, and NHM gets mad because there's obviously too many heroes now. The Evil Entity sees NHM's attention is elsewhere, and takes the opportunity to ZAPPO! him into oblivion. Bratman bitches Bush out, claiming Bush distracted NHM "...with your political jargon, just like the American public!" Whoah! Mine's a heaping helping of political statements with some rhetoric on the side, please!

Feldspar gets the Republicans to join in the battle by claiming the Entity's a Democrat. A huddle is formed and plans are made, and the team rushes headlong into battle, and our comic is interrupted by an ad for Napalm-In-A-Can.

Seriously. Unable to figure out how to draw a really great battle, I decided to resort to a cop-out right where one wasn't needed. Captain Cosmos appears, hawking Napalm-In-A-Can. "Don't carry a gun. Guns are for sissies! Use Napalm-In-A-Can! It's safe, effective, and in a pump spray! Safe for the ozone! One application and your attacker is in flames! And it won't wash off in water!"

"But until I return, you must all stay together to fight evil, uphold truth and justice, and to make sure none of this reaches the Weekly World News. I have faith in you!" Feldspar's stirring departure speech

We get back to our comic just in time to see the Evil Entity and his Lackey all tied up and ready for the police. The Entity's hood is off; he looks better with the clown nose. Feldspar believes he can help No Homework Man's current state of being "technically dead" by finding the element in Dimension 88 that can revive him. He estimates it'll take maybe one, two issues before he finds it. As he leaves, the team basks in their glory by trying to come up with a name. Reagan mutters "Western... Mass... Avengerzzzzzz" in his sleep, and everybody thinks that's just ducky. And so as the sun sinks slowly in the west and the Molar Mobile gets its 17th ticket for being parked on the sidewalk, our heroes go off to celebrate their victory -- but not Captain Ireland, as he's apparently the designated flyer for the evening.

END!

NEXT ISSUE: The Police Controversy, Part 1! Everybody gets arrested!