the toys

It sure beats sleeping, that's for sure. One of my problems in life is that I cannot stay bored for too long, not even long enough to really complain about it. There's always something else to tinker with or think up or do even if just for the gits-n-shiggles factor. As a result, I stay up later and watch the sun rise more times than I'd like to. Here now are some of the more technical marvels I've devised over the years.


    My latest Flash animation, featuring an ear of corn and a radio broadcast from long ago. Symbolism galore, kiddies, and that's no lie -- the first half of the film is based on an actual bizarre dream I had once.
    An earlier Flash animation (can you count the technical inaccuracies?) featuring way too many rec.roller-coaster injokes for anybody's good. It's also kinda quiet save for the hard rockin' soundtrack.
  • "Trip to Mars"
    The shortest (yet stupidest!) Flash animation yet. This was created on demand, as it were, by two alt.stupidity regulars (alt.stupidians?) from opposite sides of the world who managed to meet, drink, and make merry -- and they even took pictures. So I made a little video salute to them so that they could have their memories, even if personally theirs were lost in a booze-soaked haze. WARNING: You will probably not understand the injokes.


  • emily, the freeform poetry generator
    emily was the first in my ongoing quest to write English simulations. emily (small e) randomly grabs words out of /usr/dict/words and arranges them with punctuation as she randomly sees fit, and the result is somewhat akin to freeform poetry heard in the best coffeehouses around. One can see a myriad of meanings into emily's words sometimes, and that's great.

  • emily tries haiku
    Using a handcrafted word database, dear emily counts the syllables and presents freeform haiku in 5-7-5 format. I've tried to seed the database with enough references to nature that they may even be technically acceptable. Try your luck!

  • chloe, the writing generator
    My second, more advanced English simulation, chloe (small c) requires source text to create her work. Utilizing markov chain algorithms, chloe constructs her own writing using the words from the source and their relationships to one another. The results can be surprisingly lucid at times. Watch as Shakespeare is rewritten right before your eyes!

  • virtual eschwa
    I improved on my own chloe engine to simulate actual factual BBS conversation using actual factual posts from an actual factual BBS. Even the regulars were surprised with the lucidity and coherence of the output. For even more fun, take some of Virtual Eschwa's output and run it through the same engine for Virtual Virtual Eschwa but please beware; the sanity you lose may just be your own.

  • martha the cat is a mighty pirate
    Martha is a cat. She wants to be a mighty pirate. So she learned what pirates like to say. Reload as often as you'd like for a new and fun pirate quote!


  • I Do, Too
    It's a sweet Valentine's Day song sung in two-part harmony by yours truly. Pass it along to someone you love!

  • Safe-T-Woo (Bubb Rubb remix)
    I don't often latch on to too many Internet memes, but the Bubb Rubb "whistle go WOOOOOO" fun was too good to pass up. I actually mixed two Something Awful forum memes here, using Bubb Rubb's samples over a horrible scary track featuring a cartoon cat from the 80's rapping about how to ride escalators safely. No kidding.

  • Nye! (The Sounds of Science remix)
    My first try in a Something Awful forums "Remix This!" contest. The challenge was to remix the theme song to Bill Nye, the Science Guy. So I did. I won third place and got a nifty SA Forums Platinum Account out of it. Hooray!


  • The Name Generator
    What's your name? Tired of all the foolish "Find Your Blah Blah Whatever Name" generators that seem to get tossed around the meme-networks with gleeful abandon, I wrote my own name generator. It gives you a name based on your own. It is A WORK OF GENIUS and ONE THAT WAS TRULY NEEDED BY THIS INTER WEB NET. I love you.
  • Papa November
    I was fascinated with numbers stations -- shortwave frequencies that broadcast secret coded messages. Real spy stuff, honest to Pete! So I came up with my own numbers station and wrote Perl scripts to encode sekrit messages and stuff. Try your hand at decoding the missives.
  • Spatch's Interactive Fiction (for you and yours)
    One of my more favorite hobbies, I've taken up writing works of Interactive Fiction. You know. Text adventures, like Zork and stuff. Only I haven't been able to write a full-length game yet, so you get a lot of little things, like the masterpiece of minimalism, Pick Up The Phone Booth and Die. Seriously.


  • The Stupid Homepage
    That's right, it's the grand daddy of stupid himself, Spatch's Own Stupid Homepage. This particular version was last updated in 1998 and hosted elsewhere, but I've since resurrected it and kept it up for archival purposes. Most of the external links and the CGI scripts don't work and I suppose one of these days I could port the 88 Lines about 44 Women script over here, but I was pleased to note that the Moment of Zen page broke in its own special way -- and I liked it like that. It still proves to be one of the more popular pages in the section. But all in all, it's a grand gallery of bustification, and that's OK by me. I got bigger fish to fry now.
  • IF-A-Minute
    Inspired directly by the folks at rinkworks, this site offers up Interactive Fiction classics in capsule format. Some of them are very funny. User submissions declined sharply and I should retool the site one of these days. Ho hum.
copyright (c) 2001 R. Noyes.