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"I Made It In Massachusetts!"

Recently it's come to my attention that many towns in Massachusetts don't have town slogans. This is inexcusable! The state itself has had its share of inspiring slogans in the past, from "You Can Make It In Massachusetts" to "The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of America". But why didn't these soundbites encapsulate the towns and cities of the Bay State? Because each borough is individual and unique. One overriding slogan can't possibly represent every town. With that in mind, Greg Cross and I put our heads together and came up with these slogans for towns in Massachusetts.

Hey. Your town included here? You're offended? Tough. Don't come whining to me about it. Seriously. You could try to make your own funny jokes about towns, even the ones I grew up in, but you know what? I beat you to the punch. I've made fun of every single town I've ever lived in. So there.

Welcome to Springfield: The Middle-Management Capital Of The Country

Lexington. A nice place to live, but I wouldn't want to visit there.

Medford: Come Drive Our Unfriendly Roads.

Bedford. Rhymes With Medford.

New Bedford, Now With Keno!

Malden: The Collective Resigned Sigh Of The Commonwealth.

Welcome to Amherst, If That's Okay
(changed, under protest, from "Please Don't Pronounce The H" on the grounds that it promoted unfair stereotypes about those whose first language is not English)

Conway - Home Of The Next Unabomber!

Chicopee, Where Lincoln Continentals Go To Die

Burlington. Now Hiring 14 And 15 Year Olds

Ware -- Yes, Yes, We've Heard That One Before

Las Vegas - Class = Saugus!

Did Somebody Say "Wilmington"?

Scituate: We Dare You To Pronounce Us.

Welcome to Shutesbury. No! NO! NOT SHREWSBURY! SHUTESBURY! GOT IT?

Tyngsborough: It's Yours If You Want It, New Hampshire

You're Now In Athol. Quit Snickering.

Marblehead: Not Just A Town, But A State of Mind

South Hadley: Hey, We've Got A College And Everything! Really!

Waltham: The Traffic Begins Here.

Ski Whately

Reading - Our Soccer Moms Are The Sexiest!

North Reading: Just A Little Bit Higher Than Reading

Wakefield: Wake Up And Smell The, Uh, Field.

Somerville: Cambridge's Kid Brother With The Perpetually Runny Nose
...and a tip o' the lynch lid to Rachel Tanenhaus

West Boylston -- Ever Seen A Grown Man Cry?

Northampton: No Turn On Red

Help, I'm In Billerica

Chelmsford: Heel, Boy! Good Dog.

Charlestown: No Son Of Mine's Gonna Go To No Faggot "Liberal-Arts" School, Now Shut Up And Run Your Sorry Ass Down To The Packy And Get Your Old Man Some Smokes

Ashfield -- Stoplight-Free And Proud Of It!

Every Time A Boston Driver Gets Into An Accident, An Angel Gets Its Wings

Framingham: Come See Our Big-Ass Jordan's!

Stockbridge -- We're In Massachusetts?! No Way!

MILLERS FALLS - CLOSED, PLEASE COME AGAIN

Marlborough: Smoke If You've Got Em.

Southborough: We Didn't Like Marlborough, So We Left.

Northborough: Me, Too.

Westborough: Oh Yeah? Well, We Don't Like Any Of You!

Arlington. We Didn't Want The Red Line In The First Place, So There

Holyoke - No, No Mafia Here.

Braintree! We Iz Da Most Smaht!

Natick: Clean Restrooms

Who Wants To Be In Weymouth?

Vive Le Goshen Libre!

Leverett - Where The 60s Never Really Ended

Carlisle: Don't Even THINK About Moving Here.

Woonsocket. It's Indian For "Nothing"

Agawam - Like A Bus Trip To Foxwoods, Only There's No Casino And No Free Drinks

Don't Look At Us, We're Only Woburn

Gloucester - Rhymes With 'pasta', Not That You'd Know By Looking

Newton: It's Not A Cookie, Mother.

Watertown - Well? Where's The Damn Water?

Palmer: No Homosexuals, Please

Allston-Brighton -- Not Just Another Student Slum!

East Longmeadow - On The Wrong Side Of The State

Martha's Vineyard: We Have James Taylor And You Don't

No Sex, Please, We're In Hatfield

Winthrop: The Typographic Capital Of The World

Hadley.

Cambridge - Starbucks And Barnes & Noble As Far As The Eye Can See!

Brookline! We're Sell-Outs!

Oh, Look, It's Maynard.

Foxboro: We'll Do Anything, Just Please Don't Let The Patriots Move

Nantucket -- Please Go Away

That's Tewksbury, not Tokesbury

Weston - Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Myself

Danvers: Why?

It's Your Own Damn Fault You're In Wilbraham

Everett Drive Through A Town, And Forget To Stop?

Enfield, Prescott, Dana, Greenwich: We Sacrificed Our Land So That Boston Could Have Clean Drinking Water. You're Fucking Welcome.

Did I miss your town? Let me know.