Recently
it's come to my attention that many towns in Massachusetts
don't have town slogans. This is inexcusable! The state
itself has had its share of inspiring slogans in the
past, from "You Can Make It In Massachusetts"
to "The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of
America". But why didn't these soundbites encapsulate
the towns and cities of the Bay State? Because each
borough is individual and unique. One overriding slogan
can't possibly represent every town. With that in mind,
Greg Cross and I put our heads together and came up
with these slogans for towns in Massachusetts.
Hey.
Your town included here? You're offended? Tough. Don't
come whining to me about it. Seriously. You could try
to make your own funny jokes about towns, even the ones
I grew up in, but you know what? I beat you to the punch.
I've made fun of every single town I've ever lived in.
So there.
Welcome
to Springfield: The Middle-Management Capital Of The Country
Lexington.
A nice place to live, but I wouldn't want to visit there.
Medford:
Come Drive Our Unfriendly Roads.
Bedford.
Rhymes With Medford.
New
Bedford, Now With Keno!
Malden:
The Collective Resigned Sigh Of The Commonwealth.
Welcome
to Amherst, If That's Okay
(changed, under protest, from "Please
Don't Pronounce The H" on the grounds that it
promoted unfair stereotypes about those whose first language
is not English)
Conway
- Home Of The Next Unabomber!
Chicopee,
Where Lincoln Continentals Go To Die
Burlington.
Now Hiring 14 And 15 Year Olds
Ware
-- Yes, Yes, We've Heard That One Before
Las
Vegas - Class = Saugus!
Did
Somebody Say "Wilmington"?
Scituate:
We Dare You To Pronounce Us.
Welcome
to Shutesbury. No! NO! NOT SHREWSBURY! SHUTESBURY! GOT IT?
Tyngsborough:
It's Yours If You Want It, New Hampshire
You're
Now In Athol. Quit Snickering.
Marblehead:
Not Just A Town, But A State of Mind
South
Hadley: Hey, We've Got A College And Everything! Really!
Waltham:
The Traffic Begins Here.
Ski
Whately
Reading
- Our Soccer Moms Are The Sexiest!
North
Reading: Just A Little Bit Higher Than Reading
Wakefield:
Wake Up And Smell The, Uh, Field.
Somerville:
Cambridge's Kid Brother With The Perpetually Runny Nose
...and a tip o' the lynch lid to Rachel
Tanenhaus
West
Boylston -- Ever Seen A Grown Man Cry?
Northampton:
No Turn On Red
Help,
I'm In Billerica
Chelmsford:
Heel, Boy! Good Dog.
Charlestown:
No Son Of Mine's Gonna Go To No Faggot "Liberal-Arts"
School, Now Shut Up And Run Your Sorry Ass Down To The Packy
And Get Your Old Man Some Smokes
Ashfield
-- Stoplight-Free And Proud Of It!
Every
Time A Boston Driver Gets Into An Accident, An Angel Gets
Its Wings
Framingham:
Come See Our Big-Ass Jordan's!
Stockbridge
-- We're In Massachusetts?! No Way!
MILLERS
FALLS - CLOSED, PLEASE COME AGAIN
Marlborough:
Smoke If You've Got Em.
Southborough:
We Didn't Like Marlborough, So We Left.
Northborough:
Me, Too.
Westborough:
Oh Yeah? Well, We Don't Like Any Of You!
Arlington.
We Didn't Want The Red Line In The First Place, So There
Holyoke
- No, No Mafia Here.
Braintree!
We Iz Da Most Smaht!
Natick:
Clean Restrooms
Who
Wants To Be In Weymouth?
Vive Le Goshen Libre!
Leverett
- Where The 60s Never Really Ended
Carlisle:
Don't Even THINK About Moving Here.
Woonsocket.
It's Indian For "Nothing"
Agawam
- Like A Bus Trip To Foxwoods, Only There's No Casino And
No Free Drinks
Don't
Look At Us, We're Only Woburn
Gloucester
- Rhymes With 'pasta', Not That You'd Know By Looking
Newton:
It's Not A Cookie, Mother.
Watertown
- Well? Where's The Damn Water?
Palmer:
No Homosexuals, Please
Allston-Brighton
-- Not Just Another Student Slum!
East
Longmeadow - On The Wrong Side Of The State
Martha's
Vineyard: We Have James Taylor And You Don't
No
Sex, Please, We're In Hatfield
Winthrop:
The Typographic Capital Of The World
Hadley.
Cambridge
- Starbucks And Barnes & Noble As Far As The Eye Can
See!
Brookline!
We're Sell-Outs!
Oh,
Look, It's Maynard.
Foxboro:
We'll Do Anything, Just Please Don't Let The Patriots Move
Nantucket
-- Please Go Away
That's
Tewksbury, not Tokesbury
Weston
- Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Myself
Danvers:
Why?
It's
Your Own Damn Fault You're In Wilbraham
Everett
Drive Through A Town, And Forget To Stop?
Enfield,
Prescott, Dana, Greenwich: We Sacrificed Our Land So That
Boston Could Have Clean Drinking Water. You're Fucking Welcome.
