it's come to my attention that many towns in Massachusetts
don't have town slogans. This is inexcusable! The state
itself has had its share of inspiring slogans in the
past, from "You Can Make It In Massachusetts"
to "The Spirit of Massachusetts is the Spirit of
America". But why didn't these soundbites encapsulate
the towns and cities of the Bay State? Because each
borough is individual and unique. One overriding slogan
can't possibly represent every town. With that in mind,
Greg Cross and I put our heads together and came up
with these slogans for towns in Massachusetts.
Your town included here? You're offended? Tough. Don't
come whining to me about it. Seriously. You could try
to make your own funny jokes about towns, even the ones
I grew up in, but you know what? I beat you to the punch.
I've made fun of every single town I've ever lived in.
to Springfield: The Middle-Management Capital Of The Country
A nice place to live, but I wouldn't want to visit there.
Come Drive Our Unfriendly Roads.
Rhymes With Medford.
Bedford, Now With Keno!
The Collective Resigned Sigh Of The Commonwealth.
to Amherst, If That's Okay
(changed, under protest, from "Please
Don't Pronounce The H" on the grounds that it
promoted unfair stereotypes about those whose first language
is not English)
- Home Of The Next Unabomber!
Where Lincoln Continentals Go To Die
Now Hiring 14 And 15 Year Olds
-- Yes, Yes, We've Heard That One Before
Vegas - Class = Saugus!
Somebody Say "Wilmington"?
We Dare You To Pronounce Us.
to Shutesbury. No! NO! NOT SHREWSBURY! SHUTESBURY! GOT IT?
It's Yours If You Want It, New Hampshire
Now In Athol. Quit Snickering.
Not Just A Town, But A State of Mind
Hadley: Hey, We've Got A College And Everything! Really!
The Traffic Begins Here.
- Our Soccer Moms Are The Sexiest!
Reading: Just A Little Bit Higher Than Reading
Wake Up And Smell The, Uh, Field.
Cambridge's Kid Brother With The Perpetually Runny Nose
...and a tip o' the lynch lid to Rachel
Boylston -- Ever Seen A Grown Man Cry?
No Turn On Red
I'm In Billerica
Heel, Boy! Good Dog.
No Son Of Mine's Gonna Go To No Faggot "Liberal-Arts"
School, Now Shut Up And Run Your Sorry Ass Down To The Packy
And Get Your Old Man Some Smokes
-- Stoplight-Free And Proud Of It!
Time A Boston Driver Gets Into An Accident, An Angel Gets
Come See Our Big-Ass Jordan's!
-- We're In Massachusetts?! No Way!
FALLS - CLOSED, PLEASE COME AGAIN
Smoke If You've Got Em.
We Didn't Like Marlborough, So We Left.
Oh Yeah? Well, We Don't Like Any Of You!
We Didn't Want The Red Line In The First Place, So There
- No, No Mafia Here.
We Iz Da Most Smaht!
Wants To Be In Weymouth?
Vive Le Goshen Libre!
- Where The 60s Never Really Ended
Don't Even THINK About Moving Here.
It's Indian For "Nothing"
- Like A Bus Trip To Foxwoods, Only There's No Casino And
No Free Drinks
Look At Us, We're Only Woburn
- Rhymes With 'pasta', Not That You'd Know By Looking
It's Not A Cookie, Mother.
- Well? Where's The Damn Water?
No Homosexuals, Please
-- Not Just Another Student Slum!
Longmeadow - On The Wrong Side Of The State
Vineyard: We Have James Taylor And You Don't
Sex, Please, We're In Hatfield
The Typographic Capital Of The World
- Starbucks And Barnes & Noble As Far As The Eye Can
Look, It's Maynard.
We'll Do Anything, Just Please Don't Let The Patriots Move
-- Please Go Away
Tewksbury, not Tokesbury
- Don't Blame Me, I Voted For Myself
Your Own Damn Fault You're In Wilbraham
Drive Through A Town, And Forget To Stop?
Prescott, Dana, Greenwich: We Sacrificed Our Land So That
Boston Could Have Clean Drinking Water. You're Fucking Welcome.