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Santa's saved his pride and joy til last! Finally, Santa herds the two rugrats into his Magic Rocket Ship, which not only looks suspiciously like an elevator (with accompanying freaked-out cosplay reject), it also looks as if it's gonna be kinda hard to launch from the middle of the department store. But they all pack in, the doors close...

...Peter Brady gets his first kiss...

...and here they are, on some other floor of the department store! I'm still trying to figure out how they accomplished this with glass windows on the "rocket" door. What could be so dang-blasted super that they'd have to take a rocket ship to get to?

Model railroading, that's what!

(Actually, I love this stuff. The toy train segment, without shots of Santa or the kids, is the best part of the entire film. I dig them leetle trains.)

NARRATOR: I wonder if Ann will be as excited as Dick.

Finally snapping to the point of madness, Santa does the ol' Snidely Whiplash and attempts to tie the children to the track! Oh no! Whatever has become of our Jolly Old St. Nick? Thankfully the Narrator intervenes at just the right moment, and the kids are jerked back from the brink of HO death. Phew!

NARRATOR: Look out, children, don't let that train run over you!

There's also a circus parade and circus tents, and the models are pretty cool. Then the Narrator has a very odd dialogue. By himself.

NARRATOR: Santa, do these trains ever wreck? They do?! Garsh, that's fun! Ohh, no wrecks today.

Somewhere, off in the distance, Gomez Addams begins to cry.

And then, as the Narrator says, indeed, we could watch these for hours. Some more astute and cynical viewers in the crowd might, at that point, holler out "AND WE HAVE!" but I'm not so upset. Me like trains.

But it's Christmas Eve, and Santa can't be hanging around lollygagging with a buncha youngsters when he's got presents to deliver and stuff. Why, at this rate he's already fallen behind on the eastern seaboard, and if he keeps lagging any further, Canada probably won't get a Christmas this year. How can Dick and Ann live with themselves knowing that their selfish actions have ruined Christmas for our neighbors up north? So it's back into the rocket ship...

...Bobby Brady gets his first kiss...

...and here we are, back in Santa's den.

But before Santa has our ol' pal Triple T send the kids back to bed, he has a Very Important Message for the two... and for us all, as well!

SANTA: I'm so glad you came. Dick and Ann, always remember, the entire Christmas celebration is to commemorate the birth of Jesus Christ, hundreds of years ago, in the wonderful spirit of Christmas, and good will,

(the film skips a few frames right there, so Santa never finishes his sentence.)

Who'd-a thunk it? The living embodiment of the crass, commercialism that has become "Xmas", the man -- who apparently lives in a freakin' ding-dong doody department store, fer crying out loud -- THIS feller here who shoots Coca-Cola and hawks razor blades, this mensch whose leering visage looks down upon us from every mall decoration as we whisk from store to store with all the other sardine shoppers, this dude actually knows the real reason why some of us who share certain religious beliefs have some observances 'round this time of year.

And you know what? That kinda makes me feel good about the whole deal inside.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

But you don't have to take my word for it...

SANTA: MERRY CHRISTMAS. MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

(SANTA waves his hands menacingly, and we fade out)