that's ah-sweep-eh

Word came down the wire today that Posh Spice and her husband/boyfriend/lover/whomever were having major relationship difficulties surrounding breast enhancement surgery and Posh's policy on breastfeeding her child, Phoenix Chi.

I don't know what anybody else thinks you should do, but right there you should stop reading and start boggling like you've never boggled before. But do not boggle over the breast brouhaha nor their enhancement nor their use for feeding -- Americans obsess too much over mammaries as it is -- but over Posh Spice's child's name.

Phoenix Chi.

To quote a long-dead BBS quote: "Um."
To quote myself: "Hey, that's the new Sobe flavor, isn't it?"
To quote Julie VanMersbergen: "I pledged Phoenix Chi."
To quote you:

Maybe I'm a traditionalist in the baby naming department (named after both my grandfathers; can't get much more traditional than that) and maybe I should have understood this name sprang from the creative thought processes of the woman who's good-naturedly agreed to let herself be known as "Posh Spice" forever after.

But still.
Phoenix Chi.
Phoenix freakin' Chi.

Do you have any idea how much trouble this kid will be in when she (yes, she) starts elementary school? Let's not dwell too much on the teasing she may endure from her peers, because it looks pretty inevitable that her peers will quite possibly have a wide variety of equally inane names. Or, given the latest trend, they'll have misspellings on common names like 'Mheghin' or 'Ambyre', misspellings so "unique" that they make you wince every time you read them. Perhaps little Phee will be among the kids with the more "normal" names, and she will lead the mocking schoolyard army against the likes of Ravenfyre, Khrysthal, Dakota, Pikachu, Harrypotter and Iuma.

Instead, let's worry more about the possible warpage of Phee's mind when she finally learns to read and write. Trust me on this one -- I had a friend in second grade whose last name was Paczowski. Polish surnames in an American elementary school make the teacher cry.

Just by looking at it, you can easily surmise that Phoenix is about as odd a word in the English language as you can get. It begins with an odd consonant cluster that, while phonetically correct, is a hard one for 1st graders to comprehend after learning about fuh-fuh-Fish and puh-puh-Pizza. Then there's that whole zany dipthong OE business, which could be equally as tough for kids (as well as many adults!) to wrap their brains around. And it ends with an X. Nobody ends words with X. The word just doesn't spell like it sounds -- and believe you me, there are plenty of adults in this world who cannot comprehend the concept behind "Noyes", even when it's spelled out to them (N AS IN NANCY, OH, WHY, EE, ESS AS IN SAM. And still I get "Noyse" and "Noise".) I predict much heartbreak for Phee and her phriends when it comes to addressing valentines every year.

And then there's Chi. It could be Greek. You never know. But I'm guessing that, given the Eastern mystical nature of the first name, this Chi is really alluding to the Taoist concept of ch'i. Just you try explaining that to a three-year-old.

I think, though, that the worst insult comes in the fact that no matter how portentiously pretentious or mystical or trendily "unique" our friend Posh has tried to be in naming her baby, you just -know- the nickname is going to boil down into something hideously cute like "Feechee" or something. Criminy, I could be a 'Bobdick' by that logic. No thank you.

I am glad my family is rational and has its head on straight -- my little cousins have good, healthy, normal names, no matter how much credence you want to give to the story that Brett is named after Brett Favre. And I wish to continue this sensible naming tradition if and when I ever get mewling spawn of my own. If ever I have a daughter, she will have Helen in her name. Most likely as a middle name, as middle names are good places to honor and remember loved ones.

New product time! I got a box of those new litter crystal things for the cats. If this means I only hafta change the litter box every two weeks, I'm all for it. I'm not quite sure what this stuff is, though. It looks like coarse rock salt with added blue bonus bits. I'm not sure what the blue bits are. For all I know, it could just be larger-grain Retsyn than we mortal consumers are used to. (oh ho! We are clued in to the FAQ conveniently included in the package that the "base material is found in many common household items such as toothpaste, gelatin, and used in the beer and wine distilling process." Glad that cleared everything up!)

The cats took a day or so to get used to the new litter, but still are giving me those "what in the name of all that is good and holy is THIS stuff?!" looks every time they see me near the bathroom. They've started tracking it (did you know that's an actual catboxology term? Tracking? Says so in the FAQ) around the bathroom, and there's been evidence of much bathroom-going in the box and none on, say, the floor. So I guess they like it OK.

And hey! The FAQ that came with the product also has FUN CAT QUESTIONNAIRES to fill out! Hooray! I feel no need to "register" my box of Tidy Cats Crystals, but I will share the most funnest question with you:

Which of the following phrases best describe your relationship with your cat(s)? (select one)

I'm assuming this is for fun fun direct mail bits that are targeted to your special cat relationship. I'm just miffed they left "Volunteer Alarm Clock" and "Mewling Eating and Pooping Machine" out of the list.

And as far as odor control goes, this stuff is pretty good. The area around the catbox now smells like a combination of disinfectant and cloves. I assume the cats aren't going Goth so everything is OK. We did have one Bad Smell Emergency the first day out, but that was because someone really dropped a bomb in there and the crystals hadn't had the time, I guess, to effectively neutralize the smell. But now my bathroom smells as fresh as ... well, as a goth hospital ward. And that's all right by me.

Take care, and don't eat anything you shouldn't.