margarita bob, back in town

I am currently undergoing major scientific studies in an attempt to create the World's Best Homemade Margarita. Failing that, I'm more than willing to settle for Marlboro's Best Homemade Margarita or even The Best Margarita That's Been Made Right Here In This Kitchen. So far it's been a very interesting experiment with one margarita created and consumed in a night, and various readings taken.

From this, I've learned a few core fundamentals and I'd like to share them with you if I may (those who do not imbibe might want to skip this and go to some other nutty site now; I have yet to find a good way to make a virgin margarita but I'm willing to hear recipes.) I'm quite open to suggestions, though, and would love to hear other folks' thoughts and findings on what makes a good margarita.

1. In a pinch, one's large glass with the waffle pattern and one's large purple plastic Klekolo Coffee mug make an excellent makeshift cocktail shaker.
2. Said waffle pattern glass is also very handy for measuring, at least when measuring by proportion. Any attempt to relate such recipes to innocent bystanders without the proper context usually results in confusion all around. "Two squares of lime juice..."
3. Yes, the more expensive the tequila, the better the drink. I've found both Cuervo Gold 1800 and Especiale to be fine and dandy when it comes to makin drinks, but that's cause I have no local alternative. I hope some day some nice stranger will press a bottle into my hands as we pass surrepititiously on the street. Said stranger will but whisper "use it well" before disappearing into the shadows, and I will discover the bottle I'm clutching turns out to be the BEST TEQUILA EVER. I'm still waiting, stranger.
4. Use cracked ice. Crack the ice yourself. I don't care how you do it -- ice pick, knife, your own bare hands, just crack the ice nice and gently. Not too much cracking, now! We don't want crushed ice. There's a mighty difference between cracked and crushed, and we're not going the frozen margarita route. If you want a frozen margarita, hie thee to 7-11, buy a Slurpee, and pour the cheapest tequila you can find over it. Voila! It's a White Trash Margarita and it'll do the trick. For those who said "But mine's on the rocks", let's continue.
5. Fresh-squeezed lime juice will take a lot of lime. Well, it will if you're not used to squeezing juice. Like me. Hmm. Also, be sure to add powdered sugar to the recipe if you're using freshly-squeezed limes unless you like your drinks really really tart. Otherwise, the sweetened lime juice they sell in the 'cocktail' section of the supermarket (usually found next to the Grenadine) works well but oy, what small bottles! Don't bother with the premade margarita mix unless you're really desperate or just plain enjoy drinking something that looks like brake fluid or whatever it is that drips, opaque and greenish-yellow, from your car after a crash.
6. Triple Sec is fine in a margarita. Grand Marnier is even better and even sweeter; and a combination of the two is sublime. Especially if you've got a garnish on top. (Get it? Sublime?! Oh, the hilarity!!)
7. Those who live in Massachusetts are forbidden from humming any Jimmy Buffett tunes while in the kitchen concocting their drink. You'll only get strange looks from the cats. They know you're not in Key West, rather, you're in an apartment in a state that sometimes gets snow in the winter, ferchrissakes, so there's no point whatsoever in deluding yourself any further. You can listen to Senor Buffett at any time, and you may also find yourself humming "shake that booty" as you shake your, er, drink. But don't let yourself catch yourself, OK?
8. Oh! Before I forget, I will pass on the tequila etiquette I learned a long time ago. I can't even remember which respected college drinking institution imparted upon me this tradition, but it's rather imperative that the first pour from a new, just-opened bottle of tequila be for a shot, and that shot must be taken straight with no salt and no lime chaser. Hardier folks than I have been known to break down and cry when faced with this obligatory ritual, but then again, it's probably because they'd bought the cheap Fitshace Potion kind of stuff that, like in many a Yosemite Sam cartoon, burns holes in the counter when you spill it.

This ritual has evolved for me, at least, to become the Cat Curse, since Abbie had the misfortune of leaping up on the counter when I was preparing to down a straight-up shot. I gulped, he batted off the limes I'd just halved for fresh squeezing, and as the tekillyer inched its way down my gullet, burning and removing precious layers of esophagus lining, I turned to the guilty party and unleashed a very loud torrent of gasping obscenity. The lil' feller got the point and wisely jumped down off the counter. So. Take a shot, curse a cat. It's all good.

WARNING!!! DANGER WILL ROBINSON!!
Tequila is a very nasty liquor when wronged! If you get sick on it, you'll remember that taste for as long as you live, and it'll be the most nauseating taste ever. I'm willing to bet there's at least one person right now who couldn't read all the way down this post because of the nasty memories dredged back up by the simple thought of the taste of the distilled blue agave. Treat this and all other alcoholic beverages with respect, do not drink any more than you feel comfortable drinking no matter what anybody else says, have lots of water onhand to prevent dehydration, and for Pete's sake stay off the roads when imbibing -- though I know all good Constant Readers are smart enough and full of good, wholesome common sense to already follow that last bit of advice. Oh, and enjoy.

Margarita Bob's Waffle Glass Margarita
(v1.0, additional tweaking probably needed and greatly appreciated)

You will need:

• Cracked ice
• Fresh-squeezed lime juice (or sweetened lime juice)
• Really good tequila
• Triple Sec and/or Grand Marnier
• Coarse salt, if desired
• 1 lime wedge
• Powdered sugar, to taste
• My waffle glass
• My plastic purpleKlekolo Coffee mug
• Another glass for the drinking

If you want a salted glass, prep the coarse salt in a shallow, small dish or bowl if you haven't already. Put the cracked ice into the waffle glass.

Pour the liquids over the cracked ice using this handy proportion guide:

• 2 squares' lime juice
• 1 square tequila (roughly two shots' worth, all things considered, but use more if you think I'm being a wuss)
• 1/2 square Triple Sec
• 1/2 square Grand Marnier
• Add some powdered sugar if you think the stuff is going to be too tart (though if you've got both the Triple Sec and Grand Marnier and it's too tart, you've done something wrong)

Place plastic purple Klekolo Coffee mug over the waffle glass (it's a perfect fit!) and shake like you've never shaken before, G. Make it nice 'n frothy. You can do it. Run the lime wedge over the edge of your drinking glass.

Quickly now, touch the edge of the drinking glass to the coarse salt in the dish. Too much lime or too much time basking in the salt results in an overly salty concoction. Watch out for that. Pour the contents of the shaker into your drinking glass. Aim well and get the stuff to go right down the middle so you don't disturb your salt ring. Place the lime wedge on the glass rim as well as a garnish. Apologize to the cat for cursing at it if you had to do so, and enjoy.

Take care, and don't eat anything you shouldn't.