the life and times of Reginald the Orc

Reginald was a big, strong orc and he was born to a big orc mommy and a big orc daddy who loved him very much. They let him do all the fun things an orc can do while growing up -- kill stuff, and hit stuff, and sometimes kick stuff too. Sometimes when he was especially good they gave him a rusty sword so he could go around poking stuff and giving it lockjaw.

When Reginald was big and strong enough, he did what all good orcs do, and joined up with the orc army to help serve Emperor Punching Orc or whatever his name was. His dad was very proud of him and punched him in the stomach the day he left home. His mother sniffled back bile and snot and slugged him in the face to say good-bye. Reginald grabbed his parents' heads, clonked them together in farewell, grabbed his pack, and headed out to the army training camps.

The army training camp was brutal. Reginald learned how to hit stuff harder, and kick stuff harder, and sometimes when he was especially good they poked him with a rusty sword so he could get lockjaw. After months of brutal discipline, overwhelming hardship, and more than a few cases of lockjaw, Reginald and 12% of his original class of recruits survived. In recognition of their incredible strength and endurance they were named Centurions, and sent forth to the various lands the Orcs controlled to help defend them better.

Reginald was sent to the Castle of Beating People Up Orcs, which the orcs were now defending from those they had rightfully stolen it from in the first place. He got himself a nice rusty sword and they let him stand right by the entrance to the castle so that he could scare off any and all intruders. He eagerly awaited his first day on duty so that he could stand proud and keep the Punching Orcs banner flying high forever.

He arrived at 7:30 AM to find his post deserted. There was no trace of the guard he was supposed to relieve. So Reginald relieved himself against the wall of the castle, grumbling about the poor quality of soldiers and acid-resistant bricks. Around 7:32 he heard light footsteps approaching him. He glanced out over the battlements and saw a young little dwarf, wearing nothing but tattered rags for armor and waving about a sword that had "FOR PRACTICE ONLY - NOT FOR USE OUTSIDE THE TRAINING HALL" inscribed upon it. (An orc's eyesight is especially keen and while Reginald might not have been able to read or comprehend the inscription, he certainly knew there was something done put on that there sword.)

Reginald steeled himself, looking over at his potential foe with an intimidating, yet annoyed, glare. He was almost resentful of the fact that Fate had handed him such an easy target for his first battle. The dwarf stopped his own approach just a few yards from the castle gates and stared back at the imposing orc. For a tense eternity the two silently sized each other up. Reginald's claw-like hand tightened its grip on his sword hilt. The dwarf glared back, almost daring the orc to advance. Finally he broke the silence.

"kewl a blue mob" announced the dwarf, and leapt forward at his foe!

"Rraaaaaaagh!" cried Reginald with flared nostrils as he drew his sword and charged. "I shall slay you in the name of the Punching Orc brigade, rightful holders of the Castle of Beating People Up Orcs, sovreign rulers of this entire Land of Fantasy And Questings!"

"wtf a chatty mob" pondered the dwarf, as he slashed a terrible cut in Reginald's left arm. "u must be a quest npc lol" Reginald's blows seemed to glance right off the dwarf, who was far too nimble for Reginald's slow swings. Even when he scored a hit during the furious combat, he found that his sword barely ripped the dwarf's rags.

"Centurions!!" Reginald cried, out of breath and seriously worried about the safety of the castle. "To my aid, brethren! Together we will rid the land of this foul villian!" Much to his chagrin, he heard no cries of acknowledgement, no assurances that help was indeed on its way.

"stfu" replied the dwarf, neatly stabbing Reginald in the chest.  The orc gasped, and fell to his knees. He knew his wounds were fatal. His lifeforce draining, his existence fading, and his breaths weakening, Reginald managed to utter one final curse before he slumped to the ground with an audible shudder.

"The Punching Orc brigade sh- shall avenge my... death..."

And with that, Reginald died. He died a hero to his cause, a martyr in the battle of the Castle of Beating People Up Orcs. He had sacrificed his life nobly so that the castle banner may still fly. The dwarf may have been detained -- detained enough, perhaps, to let a large group of guards surround him and deal a swift punishment in the form of many beatings and stabbings. Reginald could only hope so, as the last fleeting sparks of consciousness faded from his brain. He knew -- he just knew -- it had not been in vain.

Victorious, the dwarf knelt down to the orc corpse, still pliant before rigor mortis, and inspected its goods. He stood back up and made a rude gesture.

"no belt and 9 copper wtf lousy welfare loot"

And with that, he bounded off through the castle gates into the main courtyard.

At 7:41 another orc centurion showed up to take Reginald's place. It was his first day, and he was surprised (if not more than slightly annoyed) to see that the previous guard had seemingly abandoned his post. And so with a grunt he relieved himself against the stone wall and then turned back around, ready to defend the castle at all costs.

I have finally beaten EverQuest. And as the screenshot below shows, the end boss was a real bitch.

Take care, and don't eat anything you shouldn't.

R. Noyes
Somerville, Massachusetts
02143