some title about Survivor here

Well, the four-hour season finale is tonight, and what a spectacle. 13 weeks of intense committment, backbiting, and ultra-fun games will result in two people, the two last people, being voted off the tundra and only one Survivor remaining, who will then go on to win a million dollars and a kiss from Richard Hatch. I realize it may be masochistic of me to watch tonight, but really, we've come this far. We need closure.

I can completely understand why folks are betting whole hog on Courtney to come out the winner. She's been the sweetheart of the entire series from the moment her parachute touched down on the frozen ground and she breathlessly squealed "Ohmigosh, wasn't that ever so much fun?" Her perkiness and natural optimism provided the perfect contrast to scowling, grumpy-faced Todd who never let an opportunity to complaing about his situation pass by. In fact, the best moment of the entire series was when Courtney implored Todd to "turn that frown upside down!" after winning the Finnish Sauna Reward Challenge, and Todd spritely whacking her backside with his birch branches. Of course, that was the impetus for the rest of the Hattär tribe to vote him off the next chance they got, but hey. Entertainment's entertainment.

Perkiness aside, though, we've come to understand that Courtney also ranked up there with the best schemers in the frozen wastes. Her collusion with Steve and Patty to oust an over-confident Jorge was simply Machivellian in its machinations. Of course, Jorge was the last one to go before the jury started, so who knows what ghastly tales he could've told the other jury members about Courtney? Remember, they shared a kiss -- or more! -- under the Aurora Borealis on the same night Jorge's fate had been sealed.

On the other side of the tribal totem circle (what's up with the producer's mixing in all kinds of northern cultures and customs? Did Mark Burnett not think we were sophisticated enough to notice?) there's Carl. Carl, Carl, Carl, the one thing we had this series close enough to a Gemma, everybody's favorite misanthrope from Survivor: The Bronx. Watching Carl viciously snarl his way through Immunity Challenge after Immunity Challenge gave me a twinge of pride, and not just because he's from the same hemisphere as I. Don't get me wrong, Todd was bitchy too, but Carl's bitchiness was pure malevolence, personified, in a parka. Convincing Lucy to vote herself off was the meanest thing I'd ever seen in a Survivor episode, but Carl pulled it off and won the support of most of the Internet fans, simply because Lucy'd been promising to make good on her pledge to attend the final Tribal Council in the nude. I don't see what the fuss was about, anyway -- she's just a hermaphrodite, for crying out loud. Let her do what she wants.

Too late, she can't. Thanks, Carl.

So we've got perky versus downright mean tonight. C versus C. Frankly, after Vera was voted off, I'd lost all interest in the remaining survivors, so I really can't find myself rooting for one or the other. I think you'll understand. But I do remember a lot of fond memories from this season of watching Americans pretend they're surviving outdoors by having caribou rustled up close by and then pretending to kill them:

Todd, Sam, and Missy's spirited "We Will Rock You" before the Immunity Challenge that tipped the game's favor to the Hattär tribe

Watching a bewildered and exhausted Luke try to climb inside a gutted caribou for warmth

Sandra forced to vote for Kevin, her own son

Lucy and Mickey's big big big big big big fight -- and Mickey's bloody nose

Paul's brilliant observation that "We don't want nobody to catch hypodermic"

...and, of course, Mark Burnett's brilliantly manipulative and contrived editing. Again. All in all, we've managed to survive another Survivor, and I thank God fcr that. I am almost ready for CHAINS OF LOVE: IN CYBERSPACE, but give me a few more beers and a gramme of soma first, 'kay?

Take care, and don't eat anything you shouldn't.