kchung-kchunggg

At any rate, I can understand if Orbach feels like he's being creatively hemmed in -- you gotta admit that L&O is currently using one of the most creatively played out, albeit insanely successful formulas on television today. With the help of some Constant Readers, I've hammered out the true L&O formula which, should you ever decide to go into writing criminal drama, might help you quite a bit. Here, it goes like this:

1. "In the criminal justice system, the people are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups: The police, who investigate crime, and the district attorneys who prosecute the offenders. These are their stories."
2. Body is discovered in ironic fashion by random people. It's dead.
3. Kchung-kchunggg! Detectives Green and Briscoe show up, Briscoe makes wry, ironic joke concerning victim.
4. Opening credits. Dig the synth jazz.
5. Suspects and witnesses are questioned. If there's a father involved, he's sanctimonious yet sleazy and you immediately hate him outright, regardless of his eventual guilt or innocence. If there's a mother involved, she's an overprotective shrew and/or a shrill harpy. If there's a high school-age girl involved, she's sleeping with her teacher. Regardless of whodunnit, everybody's guilty of chewing their own scenery and we all have a good time. Fun phrases include "Naturally, we're all devastated by what happened to Sarah", "Where are you going with my son?!" and "You don't understand! We're in love!!"
6. Not only are all the witnesses are accounted for, but every single one remembers every single detail. "Ma'am, do you remember selling a slice of pizza to a man with brown hair six weeks ago?" "Sure, he was wearing a Giants jacket with a broken zipper and a pack of Lucky Strikes in the pocket; he paid $3 for his $2.75 slice of pizza (pepperoni) and I gave him back a Connecticut state quarter in change. He had a slight limp, spoke with a sibilant lisp, parted his hair down the right side, and put a lot of pepper on his pizza though he said he probably shouldn't have, since he might be developing an ulcer. His car had New York license plates, 8219-BHP. Anything else I can help you boys with?" (ripped from today's headlines by LF)
7. We may have to go to a bar, in which case we learn -- again -- that Briscoe doesn't drink. Also, he's divorced. And proud of it!
8. An arrest is made, usually right before the suspect high-tails it out of town, and Briscoe cracks wise right before he starts with the Miranda rights. (HB notes that if the suspect tries to flee on foot, Green will take off in pursuit, while Briscoe will take a few half-hearted steps forward and then stop with a resigned "I'm too old for this crap" look on his face. Thanks, HB.)
9. Briscoe and Green badger the suspect in interrogation. Van Buren is all sassy but professional. Kchung-kchungggg.
10. Eventually they uncover some other crime that has happened, a new suspect is brought in, charges pressed, and we forget all about the homicide case.
11. Enter that Courtroom Captain of Cool, that Dynamite DA, "Fightin" Jack McCoy and his Hot ADA, who gets to go up during the arraignment (usually before the sleepy, bored-looking old judge) and argue that the accused is a flight risk. No matter who was charged for what crime, they're always a flight risk.
12. But wait! There's an obnoxious defense attorney representing the accused -- and worse yet, it's a public defender!! She argues that her client ought to go free due to some Civil Rights thing or another, or maybe just because they've been such a good sport and all. OH DON'T FALL FOR THAT TRAP, SLEEPY BORED-LOOKING OLD JUDGE!
13. Meanwhile, it's hinted or otherwise blatantly pointed out that McCoy and the Hot ADA are sleeping together. Well, wouldn't you? (Courtesy RK, who admits "My favorite part is trying to figure out how long it's been since they've had sex from their on-screen interactions.")
14. Obnoxious Public Defender and McCoy have at it in conference, usually arguing over who's going to make the first offer. But Jack "Murder One or Bust" McCoy never makes the first bargain.
15. Legal Technicality!
16. Legal Counter-Technicality!
17. Final statements! McCoy is eloquent and grand as usual! The jury agrees! Obnoxious Public Defender shakes her fist while Jack celebrates with a minty Mentos: The Freshmaker.
18. It's a victory, but bittersweet for some reason. Maybe it involves a baby. I dunno. Hot ADA always looks glum, but Jack and the old DA dude seem to have words of wisdom that fit just right.
19. Executive Producer: Dick Wolf

Take care, and don't eat anything you shouldn't.