ROSENCRANTZ & GUILDENSTERN ARE PANTS
By someone whose name is an anagram of "April Fools"
 
ACT I

(A quiet road just outside Cat Town. The lights go up on two cats sitting on the road, one horking up hairballs, the other looking on.)

ROSENCRANTZ. Hork!

GUILDENSTERN. Heads.

ROS. Hork!

GUIL. Heads.

ROS. Hork!!

GUIL. Heads.

ROS. Hork!!! Don't bother.

GUIL. Don't bother what?

ROS. Checking. Don't bother checking.

GUIL. Why?

ROS. It'll only be heads.

GUIL. I guess you're right.

ROS. Do hairballs even have heads?

GUIL. Apparently they do.

ROS. Shocking.

GUIL. Unsurprising.

ROS. Relevatory.

GUIL. Mundane.

ROS. Bizarre.

GUIL. Uh, not so bizarre.

(ROS gets up)

ROS. I guess this means we've got nothing to do today.

GUIL. Oh, there'll be stuff to do.

ROS. How can you tell?

GUIL. We're only around when something's about to happen.

ROS. So where are we when stuff isn't happening?

GUIL. Not here, obviously.

ROS. Oh. I get it.

(He doesn't.)

ROS. I don't get it.

GUIL. What's not to get?

ROS. Where we are.

GUIL. Where we are when?

ROS. When we're not here.

GUIL. What does it matter?

ROS. It matters a lot to me.

GUIL. Why?

ROS. Because I want to know where we are.

GUIL. That's easy. We're right here.

ROS. No, I mean --

(They are interrupted by the ANGEL CAT.)

OH IT IS A TERRIBLE TIME IN CAT TOWN NOW, THE MAYOR IS DEAD AND HIS BROTHER IS BEHIND IT, LET'S SEE WHAT EL GUAPO WILL DO

GUIL. See, I told you we were needed today.

ROS. I'm ready to look surprised if you are.

OH HELLO YOU GUYS I WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT MAYOR SAILOR SUIT CAT IS DEAD AND I AM THE NEW MAYOR, OK

AND I AM HIS NEW WIFE AND I THINK THAT MEANS I'M ALSO YOUR NEW MOM, I'M NOT SURE

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

WELL ANYWAY IF YOU SEE EL GUAPO KEEP AN EYE ON HIM, OK, I WANT TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T POKE HIS NOSE WHERE IT'S NOT WANTED, WELL SEE YOU AROUND

AND DON'T WAIT UP FOR US, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN AND I THINK YOU DO

(there is a pause.)

GUIL. Well, that was strange.

ROS. You think he's hiding something?

GUIL. Maybe.

ROS. Under that tie of his.

GUIL. Or his toupee.

ROS. He wears a toupee?

GUIL. You didn't know?

ROS. No.

GUIL. Well, he does, and it's a cheap one at that.

ROS. Shocking.

GUIL. Scandalous.

ROS. Hirsute.

GUIL. Whatever.

(beat.)

GUIL. I liked how you hollered today.

ROS. You were very good, too.

GUIL. You think?

ROS. Of course. You improvise well.

GUIL. Well, I learn from the best.

(another pause.)

ROS. So, what do you think will happen now?

GUIL. I suspect we'll run into someone else soon enough.

ROS. I hope so.

GUIL. Why?

ROS. Cause this joke can't go on for much longer.

WELL HELLO GUYS, WHAT'S GOING ON

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I SEE, WELL IF YOU SEE CEO BUSINESSMAN CAT THE THIRD PLEASE LET ME KNOW, HE IS MY PRIME SUSPECT IN THE MURDER CASE

WE'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR YOU

THANK YOU, NOW I MUST DEPART BEFORE THAT REDHEAD CAT COMES IN AND MOONS OVER ME

(EL GUAPO leaves. Almost immediately the REDHEAD CAT enters.)

OH HELLO GUYS HAVE YOU SEEN THE ONE TRUE LOVE OF MY LIFE

YOU MEAN DAVID CARRADINE

NO I MEAN EL GUAPO, SHEESH I HAVEN'T HAD A CRUSH ON DAVID CARRADINE IN YEARS

WE HARDLY KEEP UP ON THE NEWS AS IT IS, YOU KNOW

WHATEVER, LISTEN, HE PROMISED HE'D GO ON A DATE WITH ME TO MAKEOUT POINT TONIGHT, AT LEAST I THINK HE DID, I MEAN, I MAY HAVE IMAGINED THE WHOLE THING IN MY HEAD WHILE I WAS LYING HALF-ASLEEP IN BED THIS MORNING BUT THE POINT IS THAT EVEN IF I DREAMED IT HE'S BEHOLDEN TO ME ANYWAY AND IF HE DOESN'T KNOW HE'S GOING SO WHAT, HE'S GOING, RIGHT

UH. RIGHT

I GUESS

ALL RIGHT, I'M OFF TO BUY SOME REALLY EXPENSIVE PERFUME, BYE

(SHE leaves. There is another pause.)

ROS. Makeout Point?

GUIL. Sure sounds like it.

ROS. I've never been invited to Makeout Point.

GUIL. Well, that's because you've never asked.

(there is a very long pause.)

ROS. Okay, that was awkward.

GUIL. And full of subtext.

ROS. I'd rather that be strikethrough if you don't mind.

GUIL. Fair enough.

(yet another pause because pauses are good and theatrical)

GUIL. So, he's beholden to her.

ROS. It's only logical.

GUIL. She wants to hold him.

ROS. And be held.

GUIL. Truly.

ROS. But he wants nothing to do with her.

GUIL. She's got it bad for him.

ROS. He's married to the sea.

GUIL. Bethrothed.

ROS. Besmirched.

GUIL. Bereft.

ROS. Beholden.

GUIL. Right, we already did that one.

ROS. So what do we do now?

GUIL. I suspect we wait some more, and then another main character will appear.

ROS. Why don't we ever appear ourselves?

GUIL. I suppose when the time comes we will.

ROS. It better be soon. I'm tired of standing around here.

(Enter three familiar faces.)

OK YOU DOLTS GATHER AROUND CAUSE WE'RE THE ANIMAL HAT PLAYERS AND WE'RE GONNA DO A SHOW FOR YOU AND YOU'RE GONNA PAY US A LOT OF MONEY

WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY

WELL WE'VE BEEN PRACTICING ALL WEEK AND WE NEED TO DO THIS SHOW

HURR HURR HURR I'M IN THE DUMBSHOW

WHAT'S IT CALLED

IT'S CALLED "THE BUSINESSMAN WHO KILLED THE MAYOR AND SMOOCHED BLANCHE A LOT AND THEN BECAME MAYOR AND SMOOCHED BLANCHE EVEN MORE"

THAT'S NOT GONNA FIT ON THE THEATER MARQUEE

SUCKS TO YOUR MARQUEE, WE'RE GONNA PERFORM IT ANYWAY

ANYWAY, EL GUAPO TOLD US IT WAS COOL TO PERFORM IT, SO WE GOT THE BACKING OF A BIG NAME HERE IN CAT TOWN, YOU UNDERSTAND

OH SURE

I AM A SMOOCHY MIME HURR HURR HURR

WELL ANYWAY WE'RE OFF TO THE THEATER AND GET SET UP, BE SURE AND COME BY

BUT NO THROWING STUFF AT US OR WE'RE ONLY GONNA THROW IT BACK

(they leave. Enter MAYOR BUSINESSMAN CAT)

AH HA

AAAAAAAAAAAAH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

NO, I SAID, AH HA

OH

AH

LISTEN, I THINK EL GUAPO IS ON TO ME AND THIS IS NOT A GOOD THING, YOU UNDERSTAND

SURE

GOOD. THIS MEANS I HAVE TO SEND YOU ON A LONG JOURNEY WITH HIM TO DOGVILLE AND PRESENT THEM WITH THIS NOTE

OH OKAY THAT SOUNDS LIKE A TOTALLY LOGICAL IDEA AND SOMETHING THAT WOULD COMPLETELY MAKE SENSE

WHAT DOES THE NOTE SAY

NONE OF YOUR BEESWAX

FAIR ENOUGH, WE'LL DO IT

GREAT, NOW BE SURE TO PUT EL GUAPO ON THE BOAT WITH YOU TOO WHEN YOU GO

(He leaves.)

ROS. Does this mean we won't get to see the play?

GUIL. Guess not.

ROS. Wonder what the note says.

GUIL. He told us, it says "None of your beeswax."

ROS. I don't believe you.

GUIL. Well, let's find out.

(they open the letter.)

GUIL. "None. Of. Your. Beeswax."

ROS. I guess you were right.

GUIL. But there's more on the back.

ROS. Oh?

GUIL. Yeah. Let's see: "Dear residents of Dogville, these were the three who TPed your houses and hid your dog biscuits the other night. Feel free to put them in jail or something while I continue to rule Cat Town with an iron fist. Love, the New Mayor Businessman Cat the Third."

ROS. Is that it?

GUIL. Wait, there's something at the bottom. "PS: Muahahahahaha."

ROS. Right then.

GUIL. We're hosed.

ROS. Did we even do what he said we did?

GUIL. Of course not. But we have to take the fall.

ROS. Why?

GUIL. Somebody has to take the fall.

ROS. And why us?

GUIL. Because for once in our lives, we're somebody.

ROS. Well I don't want to be somebody, I want to be nobody.

GUIL. You can't be nobody, you need to be somebody.

ROS. Not just anybody?

GUIL. You're not gonna get help that easily.

ROS. So we're to be offered as a sacrifice to Dogville, then.

GUIL. TPing their houses was pretty mean, you have to admit.

ROS. But we didn't do it.

GUIL. Of course not. But we have to take the fall.

ROS. No we don't! We can control our own destiny, can't we?

GUIL. I'm afraid not.

ROS. Why not?

GUIL. Because we didn't write this.

ROS. Well I demand a rewrite.

GUIL. I'm sure you won't get one. Listen, it's best if you just remain calm.

ROS. Calm? How are we supposed to remain calm at a time like this?

GUIL. Simple. Take heart. There's bound to be some kind of convenient Deus Ex Machina ending that will wrap things up nicely and keep us out of harm's way.

ROS. Doos eks what?

GUIL. Go look it up.

(enter EL GUAPO with the ANIMAL HAT GANG.)

HEY I FOUND THE SCOUNDRELS RESPONSIBLE FOR TPING DOGVILLE THE OTHER NIGHT, THEY'RE NONE OTHER THAN THE ANIMAL HAT PLAYERS

HURRAY

YEAH, WE'RE CAUGHT ALL RIGHT

NOW I KNOW THE TRUE MEANING OF META-PARODY

HURR HURR HURR, THIS IS MY ONLY CATCHPHRASE

AND I HAVE ALSO UNCOVERED A SINISTER PLOT IN WHICH CEO BUSINESSMAN CAT THE THIRD TRIED TO MURDER MAYOR SAILOR SUIT CAT AND MARRY BLANCHE AND BE ALL LIKE A RULER AND STUFF, ONLY MAYOR SAILOR SUIT CAT WAS JUST OUT OF TOWN AT HIS MOM'S AND WASN'T REALLY MURDERED AT ALL

HEY GUYS, HOW'S IT GOING, MOM SAYS HI

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHH

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

CURSES, FOILED BY A TRIP TO MOM'S

ALSO, IT'S PRONOUNCED "DAY-OOS"

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

HEY EL GUAPO I JUST WENT SWIMMING IN THE RIVER, HOW DO YOU LIKE MY SWIMSUIT

ZOUNDS, THAT'S MY CUE, I HAVE TO GO BE IN AN ANDREW LLOYD WEBBER MUSICAL NOW, GOTTA GO, SOMEONE FINISH OFF BY SPEAKING IN IAMBIC PENTAMETER OR SOMETHING

I GUESS THIS MEANS THAT I'VE REGAINED MY CROWN
AND THAT'S THE WAY IN CAT TOWN IT'S GONE DOWN

THE END
A WAIT, HE NEVER HAD A CROWN TO BEGIN WITH PRODUCTION

APRIL FOOLS MISTER ABBIEHEAD

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